Socks

The other day I had the following conversation with my mom :

"I saw someone at the store yesterday and when I described her to your father and siblings, everyone had the same reaction.

This woman was wearing a tiara, black and red striped knee socks, and lime green sneakers.

Everyone asked, 'Is Caroline in town?"

"No Mom, I wasn't in town, but I am wearing pink and green knee socks."

Ahhh, it's good to be me. 

Happy New Year -- A Year in Pictures

I've come so far during this past year, made so many changes in 2012, that I feel like a new(er) woman.

And looking back on the past 365 days I:

Packed up my son, sold 93% of my belongings, and moved to VA for a job

Confronted some old demons and finally got the last word

Was able to bring to light my shameful struggles

Said good bye to old friends, made room for the new

Celebrated marriages

Mourned deaths

Held new life

Started "Once Upon A Southern Fairy Tale" to be published this year

Passed on my love of graveyards

And made the most kick ass costume

Rediscovered an old love, that time apart didn't diminish things

     I changed the dynamics within the my relationship with my parents, took better control of my anxieties, and braved through some rotten days.

2012, it was nice knowing ya.  2013 bring it on!

Where I Do Chick Lit

Inspiration usually strikes in the kneecaps for me.  Like when I run into a bookshelf as I make a middle of the night bathroom trek.  And it struck me tonight in the shower.

Inspiration, not the bookshelf.  That would be weird.  And really creepy.  I think I'd call an exorcist if my bookshelf came into the bathroom.

Anyways.............My brain tossed together a novel while I was in the shower.  Fragments of Facebook friends status updates on "30 days of thankfulness" plus someone mentioning what they would do with a ton of money was the inspiration behind this new brainchild of mine.

So I registered for National Novel Writing Month and began the process of giving birth to "Once Upon A Southern Fairy Tale."  Here's what I've got so far. 

There’s a joke that goes like this: What’s the difference between a Northern and a Southern fairy tale?

A Northern fairy tale begins ‘Once upon a time.’
A Southern fairy tale begins ‘Now y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.’

I don’t believe in fairy tales.  At the age of 5, my mother informed me that I should have been a miscarriage, but I was too much of a stubborn bitch to just die.  And that was when she was sober.  She was worse when drunk, but that was usually not until after lunch. 

When I was 7 I found her drowned in her own vomit, but thinking that she was sleeping off a particularly bad bender I didn’t realized for 2 days that she had died.  When the motel manager came looking for the weeks rent, I remember how he rifled through our meager belongings, pocketed a handful of dollars, the remainder of my mother’s booze, and a pocket watch that I believe belonged to my Grandpa.  Only then did he call the cops after threatening me not to say anything.  The state swooped in, dropping me in foster care until they located Great Aunt Mathilda. 

I’m sure you’d like me to say that I cried for the loss of my mother, but I felt more relieved.  I was uneducated, so accustomed to chaos and disorder that when I overheard Great Aunt Mathilda tell her neighbor that I was a like a feral cat, I thought my chest would burst with pride.  The cat on the Fancy Feast commercial had such pretty fur, and the Meow Mix cats were so cute, I knew that I must be very lucky.

When I learned what feral meant the next day I cried.  For three days.

But this really isn’t the story of my childhood and how I grew up.  This is really the story of a million dollars and my attempt to spend it all in 100 days.

My name is Norma Jeane.

Now pull up a chair, ‘cuz y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.

 (And before you ask, yes, my mother named me after HER).

***************************************************************************
*************************************************************************** 

Norma Jeane, or J as she prefers to be called, grew up on a diet of fried chicken, collard greens, and biscuits with a heaping dose of crazy Great Aunt Mathilda.  She never expected to leave the confines of Woodbine, but all that changed the day her geriatric patient died.  Handed a million dollars and a to do list, J has 100 days to complete her mission. 

Ride along in Great Aunt Mathilda's ancient Firebird as J, Gam and her bulldog UGA  criss-cross the US following the directives of an eccentric millionaire. 

Off to the races

My mind is racing. My heart beat is Mach 5. Rotten dreams stirred up fears and emotions that I long ago processed.

I want to run until I'm tired. I want some sort of physical activity to break the chain of thoughts.

I'm supposed to be heading to Mass, where in the still and quiet, I should be able to speak to God from the depths of my soul. But I'm afraid I'll sob in front of my child.

A child who doesn't need to know the pain running around in my head. This is the time when it gets dangerous for me. I want to hurt myself, just to let my brain find some other source of pain to cling to.
My shrink tells me to write it out when I get like this. That bringing this insanity out of my head and on to paper for others to see will help. That bringing this shame out of the dark and into The Light will give me more control. That sharing this secret might help me conquer this silent shame.

For almost 20 years I've subjected myself to pain that has left my body riddled with scars. It's time for me to face this, grab this demon by the hand, and force him to march alongside me. So I can show this demon that he can't hide inside my head any more. That others know about my secret.

And that I'm going to fight this out instead of hiding and hurting.

*Whovians will understand this reference. A friend sent it to me. Seems there is a Doctor reference for everything in life.

Go The F*ck To Sleep: The Play

Scene:
           Living Room-- Mother and Son prepare to read a bed time story.  Mother is feeling very proud and slightly superior at this moment for she is ENGAGING Son's imagination and EXPANDING his vocabulary and IMPARTING wisdom.  (Large action words indicates that Mother is envisioning the day that when Son accepts Nobel Humanitarian World Record Prize for his works in the field of Neuro-Literature-Artology, he will recall this evening.)

7:15--Aesop's Fables read

7:30--Son tucked into bed, nightly orisons occur.

7:35--Mother begins work plays on Pintrest; Son announces from top of the stairs that he has to clip a hangnail.

7:37--Son pronounces that all toe nails and several finger nails need to be clipped.  Mother makes mental note to sweep bathroom floor as it is now littered.

7:45--Son bounces down the stairs, pleads for Mother to re-tuck him into bed.  Mother pauses video of duck skate-boarding to act in a maternal fashion.

8:05--Mother hears footsteps overhead.  Sighing, she stops looking at food porn and addresses Son.  He inquires as to her nightly routine, as he is unable to sleep without knowing when she will be finished "working" on the computer.

8:07--Son is re-re-tucked into bed.  Mother wonders if any new articles on Cracked have been published since she was on at 5pm.

8:20--Son stomps downstairs, tears trailing down his face.  He is "sooooooooooooo hot!"  And "has a little bit of a headache, especially when I shake my head like this."  Son imitates wet dog shaking self dry.

8:30--Mother updates Facebook status with a sideways frowny face, informs sister that the new family dog will be named Sherlocka as 'Chelsea' is a stupid name. 

8:33--Mother realizes there is nothing to drink in the house which would give her a buzz, so she makes a cup of herbal tea.  House Mate makes pointless inquiry about Son not sleeping.  Mother wishes to roll eyes but refrains by digging her nails into her leg.

8:47--Mother, no longer dreaming that Son will live to see the an award winning future, much less next day, ascends stairs to threaten child with bodily harm if he rises from bed again. Son is re-re-re-tucked into bed.

10:22--Mother finally feels she has earned the right to relax.

Son has gone the fuck to sleep.