SWF Seeking Viking Male to Raid Villages, Pillage and Plunder

Roaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  I can't make any sense to night; my eyes keep crossing.  My magnum opus will be delayed another day.

Failure to Follow Instructions Will Result in Death

Things that irritate me while I'm at Church:

1. The choir girls for evening Sunday Mass.  They sing quite well but find it impossible to keep their traps shut when they aren't signing!  Between the giggles and whispers I felt less like praying and more like slaying.  This past Sunday my laser beam glare, which I was secretly hoping would cause them to spontaneously melt (much like the bad guys in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark) succeeded in silencing them for a short time.

2. People who applauded the giggling choir girls specifically after Fr. E said, "Don't clap for them as they are not doing this for attention, but to use their talents to praise God."  I was very hungry and quite stabby already and wanted to smack everyone who couldn't follow one simple direction.

3. Me, for being such as asshole for not being able to ignore the things that were 'bothering' me and actually pray.

4. The fact that the temperature dropped 15 degrees between the start of Mass and the end.  My sleeveless top was totally inappropriate for that change.

I Make Plans, God Laughs

I'm easily distracted by shiny objects.

When I dropped 40 lbs of frozen Kumquat puree on my index finger on Day 2 of the self-imposed 2 month deadline, I realized I was irony's bitch.  Well, I actually thought of that after yelling F**k several times, almost barfing and passing out from the pain.

So much to my chagrin my posting may not be as consistent as I want it to be.

Shit.

I hate being thrown a curve ball so early in the game.  I need to keep remembering the positive ideas that I am finally believing to be in me. 

Milestone #1

This marks post number 101.  I was going to write a thank you post for number 100, but since I can't count and my stats bar only updates after a random time which I haven't figured out yet I missed it.

Last month I got 1,170 hits from across the globe!  YEA!  I couldn't have done it without all my fantastic readers who tune in to get my tilted world view.  I hope you laughed a lot.  Much more to come!

So now I'd like to share a virtual piece of 100 post birthday cake.  Enjoy!

Dear owner of this picture, Sorry I'm not giving you credit for this cake of awesomeness, but I found you on Google Images and thought it looked too cool to pass up.  Hope the cake didn't leave you with a waxy build up on your teeth.

Please Keep All Knives and Pointy Objects Away from the Dieter

I have been feeling rather stabby today.

Really stabby. =======>>>>  That is my long, stabby knife.  I guess it looks more like a spear.  (Maybe I should run around in a loin cloth yelling, "THIS. IS. SPARTA!"  I could burn extra calories).  Then again, my landlord probably won't want to renew my lease if I do that.  But anyways, back to explaining why I have been stabby-like all day.

I have been eating healthy for the past seven days and it's KILLING ME!!!  (Although I have to brag that I have lots 6 lbs already).

I couldn't stand it when I was fixing* scrambled eggs and frozen waffles for the Kiddo and the Siblings.  (Note: I didn't say cooking* because you aren't really a putting a whole lot of time and effort into your meal preparation if you are toasting waffles in a $10 toaster oven that belches noxious fumes each time you turn it on.)  If I hadn't been chanting "you have less back fat today" under my breath the entire time, I would have surely thrown myself on those frozen disks like a rabid wolverine. 

I've decided that since I've spent the better portion of the past 2.5 years eating a lot of crap and seeing as my 30th b-day is two weeks from tomorrow, I have to set some new healthy eating habits that I will (hopefully) follow for the rest of my life.  I've  decided to take a more Mediterranean approach to my eating habits, which over all is great because I love a diet packed with lots of fresh fruits, vegetables, plenty of fish, olive oil, nuts, and cheese.

What I absolutely hate is that the particular book that I've been reading and using as a guideline (since I'm so out of practice as to what actually constitutes as healthy), recommends that for the first two weeks of your new eating plans you eliminate sugar, red meat, dairy, and restrict your carbohydrate intake drastically.

So yesterday when I was attending Dad's 55th b-day party and Mom put together an AMAZING looking dish of bow-tie pasta and bacon, and my grandmother made 2 cakes, I had to keep reminding myself that in two weeks I could celebrate my birthday and more weight loss.  (I did wimp out at the end of the night and sawed off a square inch of both cakes and inhaled them like Charlie Sheen does blow).

As it has grown late and my stomach is growling as a reminder that the fantastic salad I had for dinner is long gone, I've taken to munching on raw carrots.

If I look like this in few days you'll know why.  And yes, it can happen.  I never expected to see a black male get orange hands, but my friend Gerard did just that. 

 
I'd better get to bed before I do anything too drastic.