Sunday, March 6, 2011

Please Keep All Knives and Pointy Objects Away from the Dieter

I have been feeling rather stabby today.

Really stabby. =======>>>>  That is my long, stabby knife.  I guess it looks more like a spear.  (Maybe I should run around in a loin cloth yelling, "THIS. IS. SPARTA!"  I could burn extra calories).  Then again, my landlord probably won't want to renew my lease if I do that.  But anyways, back to explaining why I have been stabby-like all day.

I have been eating healthy for the past seven days and it's KILLING ME!!!  (Although I have to brag that I have lots 6 lbs already).

I couldn't stand it when I was fixing* scrambled eggs and frozen waffles for the Kiddo and the Siblings.  (Note: I didn't say cooking* because you aren't really a putting a whole lot of time and effort into your meal preparation if you are toasting waffles in a $10 toaster oven that belches noxious fumes each time you turn it on.)  If I hadn't been chanting "you have less back fat today" under my breath the entire time, I would have surely thrown myself on those frozen disks like a rabid wolverine. 

I've decided that since I've spent the better portion of the past 2.5 years eating a lot of crap and seeing as my 30th b-day is two weeks from tomorrow, I have to set some new healthy eating habits that I will (hopefully) follow for the rest of my life.  I've  decided to take a more Mediterranean approach to my eating habits, which over all is great because I love a diet packed with lots of fresh fruits, vegetables, plenty of fish, olive oil, nuts, and cheese.

What I absolutely hate is that the particular book that I've been reading and using as a guideline (since I'm so out of practice as to what actually constitutes as healthy), recommends that for the first two weeks of your new eating plans you eliminate sugar, red meat, dairy, and restrict your carbohydrate intake drastically.

So yesterday when I was attending Dad's 55th b-day party and Mom put together an AMAZING looking dish of bow-tie pasta and bacon, and my grandmother made 2 cakes, I had to keep reminding myself that in two weeks I could celebrate my birthday and more weight loss.  (I did wimp out at the end of the night and sawed off a square inch of both cakes and inhaled them like Charlie Sheen does blow).

As it has grown late and my stomach is growling as a reminder that the fantastic salad I had for dinner is long gone, I've taken to munching on raw carrots.

If I look like this in few days you'll know why.  And yes, it can happen.  I never expected to see a black male get orange hands, but my friend Gerard did just that. 
I'd better get to bed before I do anything too drastic.