Tuesday, November 30, 2010

WikiLinks: Gossip Girl Meets The Tattler

Dear Julian Assange,

You.  Are.  An.  Asshole. 

I am not against exposing corruption, but please change your forum.  Using the Internet as your bathroom wall has got to stop.  In my opinion you are less of a whistle blowing vigilante crime fighter than you are a flat out bitchy gossip.  Your latest round of news, if that's what you call it, exposes political figures personal opinions outside of the bargining chambers.

Seriously?  Grow up!  I feel like I am listening to a bathroom break at a highschool:

"OMG!  Did you see Becky's shirt?"
"I know!  Total slut."
"Trying to get back at Brandon for dumping her at prom."
"Whatever.  By the way, did you know that Prince Andrew 'cockliy' at a 2008 brunch with British and Canadian businessmen in the country's capital, Bishkek, leading a debate that 'verged on the rude."
"Really, who gives a shit?  Why did you even bring it up?  It was prob his time of the month."

 To me, you are nothing but a shit-pot stirrer.  Like a gossip, you hide in the shadows, too afraid to speak up.  I think you are a "L, 7, Weenie!"  If you really stand behind what you say, then show your face.  Stop moving around, moving from house to house like the rat you are.  If you have something useful to say, grow a pair, and man up.  

Pictured: A D-Bag  Not Pictured: Rat Tail

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Welcome to McDonald's--Would You Care for an Un-Happy Meal?

(A possible conversation if more San Francisco idiots get their way.)

Perky Teenage Worker: "Welcome to McDonald's!  How can I help you today?

Tired Parent: "One chicken nugget Happy Meal with a Sprite for a little boy."

PTW: "I'm sorry, we no longer serve Happy Meals here."

TP: "Wait. What? Why?"

PTW: "Due to a new law enacted by the Board of Supervisors of San Francisco, it has been decided that you, the parent, are too stupid to regulate your child's nutritional needs."

TP: "Excuse me???"

PTW: "As you may not be aware, as you are a stupid parent, childhood obesity is on the rise.  In an effort to combat obesity, the government felt it was necessary to step in and do all the thinking for you.  Rather than the parent teaching the child to eat a variety of fruits, vegetables, meats, fats, and sugars in moderation and to turn off the idiot box, I mean, TV/DVD/computer/game player, the government would like to seize power, I mean, help you make easier decisions.  In an effort to remove fat and add fun into food, it is necessary for the consumer to be herded in the correct direction, much like a cow."

TP: "WHAT did you just call me?"

PTW: "The government is afraid that if a child is offered a toy with a Happy Meal, you the parent will never consider that you have the option of telling the child that there are other things in life to eat.  They certainly can't expect you to offer your child a toy with a plate of spinach.  You can't be expected to exercise good judgment about nutritional needs.  That's why the government is working to stay one step ahead of the consumer.  Like taking all the yummy taste from Oreo cookies.  You may have noticed that your child's morning bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs* has eight grams of fiber in every serving.  It's part of a balanced breakfast."

TP: "Are you seriously trying to sell me on the idea that the cereal I let my kid eat on Saturday mornings while he rots his brains with cartoons is nutritious?  The deal is, if he gets to eat that on Saturdays, I get to sleep until 9.  It's junk food!  I let him eat it ONCE A WEEK!"

PTW: "Well, just to be on the safe side, the government would like to assume you're an idiot.  Now, what can I do for you today?"

TP: "Give me directions to the nearest Chic-Fil-A.  They have great milkshakes."


*Hat Trick Points if you picked up the reference to Calvin and Hobbes, by the great comic genius Bill Waterson:


Thursday, November 11, 2010

If You Speak English, Thank a Veteran


To the men and women who serve and have served, I thank you. 

It is because of your sacrifice that I can
  • practice freedom of religion
  • speak freely to a man that is not my immediate relative without fear of death
  • voice my opinion on politics
  • go shopping without having to be searched for explosives
  • reach millions of people across the globe with a click of the mouse
  • pursue my dreams
  • raise my son
I'm sure you don't hear these words enough, but thank you for fighting to defend the liberties that I can so easily take for granted.

And for you men and women serving overseas, next time I complain about not sleeping well, I'll try to remember that I sleep in a soft bed, in a temperature controlled climate, not worrying about artillery fire.

With many prayers for your safety,
The Diatribist and the Kiddo   

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

As the Biblical Saying Goes....

"Ask and you shall receive," well I finally got!  As I was writing last night, fretting about making ends meet for the rest of the month and on, a seasonal job opened up!  So while I have the opportunity to write for Associated Content, I will be able to continue to pay the bills, namely my rent!  My dream is that someday my writings will be a steady source of income but until then, I'll be spending my winter days helping the Kumquat Growers and my winter nights/weekends writing.  

I've been told that I'll lose 20 lbs with all the hard labor I'll be doing, but I said that if I can lose 50 lbs (almost bringing me back down to my college weight/targeted BMI) then I'll marry whoever is responsible for that. 

 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

De profundis clamavi ad te, Domine--Out of the depths I cry to thee, O Lord --Part II

Update: Well, I made the deadline, but I'm not so sure of the content.   It's definitely not my strongest piece by far and given another day I could have put more effort into the crappy topic of  "five inspirational bible quotes."  I had to compress some time-lines to make the article flow, because no one really wants to hear about how I drank away five years of my life.  Or maybe they do, but that's not the appropriate forum.  Anyways, here's hoping that Associated Content will publish this:


Until I was 18 I assumed that my bed time prayers, church attendance on Sundays, and the 'Religion Award' in 8th grade meant that I had a great faith life.  I was viewing my faith life like a recipe.  Add one cup of prayer followed by two heaping handfuls of good deeds, mix, bake in the oven for 85 years.  End result is every-lasting reward. 


Right?  Oh, I could not have been more wrong.


At 18, in college many states away from home I went through a series of events that shook me to the very core of my beliefs.  Things that occurred severely altered my faith in humankind and God for that matter, and I didn't think that I could continue living with the pain that I was in.  Daily, I contemplated death.  If I couldn't face the person that I had become, why would God want to face me? 


As much as I didn't want to face God, He chose to pursue me.  One afternoon, after contemplating another way to end my life, I tripped on a stack of books on the floor.  One happened to be my Bible.  Here's the thing, for growing up in the church and being reminded to say my prayers, I couldn't tell you much about the Bible except for Genesis was at the beginning, Revelation was at the end, King David was a little boy who wrote the Psalms, and Luke has the prettiest description of the Nativity.  (I think my knowledge about the Nativity has something to do with watching Charlie Brown Christmas for years, rather than paying attention in church). 


I happened to open up to the Book of Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations."  Those few words changed my life.  I did not understand why He had allowed me to live, when there were times that I could have died, that He chose to sustain me.  I wept for I realized that God had known about me before I came into being, that He had a plan for my life.  I knew that even amid the pain I was in, uncertain of what the future would hold for me, God was holding onto me, that He would reveal His plan for me in His time.  Whenever I grow frighten of what the future may hold, of the tasks that lie before me, I reflect on Jeremiah's words and I find my peace again.


When I am troubled, my first instinct is to bottle up the fears inside of me.  I believe that no one is interested in my problems and that it is better that I deal with things by myself.  But when I discovered King David's opening verse in  Psalm 130 "Out of the depths I cry to thee, O Lord!  Lord, hear my voice!  Let thy ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications!" I realized that as King David could recognize his neediness and feared that the Lord may not be listening to his pleas, I too could follow his lead.  As King David was open about his anxieties, I should confide in the Lord when troubles assault me.


Another verse that I turn to when worries pile up is in the Gospel of Luke 11: 9-13 "And I tell you, Ask and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened.  For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.  What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him scorpion?  If you then who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"  This verse inspires me to recall that fear is useless.  There is an abundance of love that the Lord has for me.  Just as I work hard to provide the best for my child because I love him, the Father who is all good will provide the best for me. 


With unemployment rising, the stock market plummeting and the national deficit mounting it is easy to get caught up in the hysteria that we will be reliving the Great Depression of the 1920's.  When I am tempted join the despair, I reflect on Matthew 6: 25-33 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. . . . Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin. . . .your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,  and all these things shall be yours as well."   The Lord is aware of our daily needs and knows that many of the economic problems that are afflicting our lives is largely out of our hands.  We need to pray that He will take care of us and have faith that He will care for us, as He cares for even the flowers that grow on the earth.   


When I become aware of my own shortcoming and sinfulness, I reflect on Luke 15: 32 "It was fitting to make merry and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found,"  the parable of the Prodigal Son.  God's love for us is so great that when we return to Him after being parted though evil deeds, He welcomes us back with open arms.  God isn't waiting in anger to rebuke us for our sins but rather rejoices that His child has returned. 


Now that I am farther removed from the child I was at 18, I know that my spiritual journey is still so young.  I know that my faith will increase each day that I ask the Lord for His help.  He has sustained me though many trials thus far and as I grow older and my needs and desires change, I know that I will always find guidance in the Scriptures. 

De profundis clamavi ad te, Domine--Out of the depths I cry to thee, O Lord

I've been rather put out the last few days and not very interested in writing.  The threat of another head cold, coupled with the rapidly dwindling money supply, along with another thwarted job attempt has left me severely out of sorts.  I struggle with the decisions that I may have to make.  If I can't afford my rent, where do I go?  Any family I have do not possess the room to handle two more people and I don't have any acquaintances in this area to lend me space. 

I detest feeling sorry for myself and giving up, so today rather than playing the lottery in hopes that blind luck will win me the jackpot of 123 million (and counting), I've picked up several writing assignments from the virtual desk of Associated Content.  I've submitted three today, and snatched up a fourth assignment, noticing that the deadline was under 24 hours, but not caring because at 4PM, I rationalized that I had until 3PM the next day.  And then tonight at 8:30, just as I was planning on calling it a night and popping in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo  (Note: DO NOT watch this movie/read the book if you are not prepared to deal with violence towards women/children.  This series written by the late Stieg Larsson serve as a research tool for a novel that I am working on.)

As I prepared to log out of my account, I decided to double check the time stamp for the deadline of the fourth assignment. 

Ummmm, that would be midnight.

Tonight.

Two hours from now. 

Crap.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Wedding Bells at Barrington Hill Farm!

Photo by Tina Sargeant Photography
 DON'T WORRY!  NOT MY WEDDING!

I do some work for the owner of Barrington Hill Farm, and she is opening up the horse farm as a venue for weddings.  Seriously beautiful!  On the off chance that I may walk down the aisle one day, I'd love to have the reception there.

She needs help getting the word out about the place, so if you can follow the link over to the blog 100 layer cake and leave a comment, like "How pretty!" "If I lived in the area, I'd do an event there!" because the more hits she can get on the blog and site, the more traffic gets to the site, the higher her ranking will go on the search engines when people search for outdoor wedding venues in FL.

I really appreciate the help (cuz she makes it possible for me to stay home and write for the most part.  FYI, I submitted my first article to Associated Content, the online newsfeed for Yahoo.  I'll know in a few more days if it gets published.)

And to my readers across the globe in Russia, Germany, Brazil, Australia, and even Pakistan, thanks for checking in on me!  It really brightens my day when I can check my stats and see that I am reaching people far away from the sunny climes of Florida.  You (along with my US/Canada readers, I won't forget you!) really keep me invigorated to write. 

Writing has been my life-long passion, but I've never had the guts to do it before.  Thanks for boosting my spirits and giving me the confidence that I actually have some writing chops!  I love you!!!!

http://www.100layercake.com/blog/archives/9680
Photos: http://www.sargeantstudios.com/

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Election 2010- Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

Dear Florida,
Thank you for returning to your common sense.  I guess a two year headache of crappy political decisions has made you realize what many of us already knew: big government sucks eggs.

Now, to you newly elected: DON'T LET US DOWN!  We voted you in here for a reason, namely CHANGE/FIX this mess.  You have a big task ahead, but let's see you put your money where your mouth has been this past campaigning year. 
 
Gov. Rick Scott

Sen. Marco Rubio. (Thanks for the help Charlie Crist!)

Attn General Pam Bondi

District 61 Rep. Will Weathford
Good luck folks and God bless.