Welcome to McDonald's--Would You Care for an Un-Happy Meal?

(A possible conversation if more San Francisco idiots get their way.)

Perky Teenage Worker: "Welcome to McDonald's!  How can I help you today?

Tired Parent: "One chicken nugget Happy Meal with a Sprite for a little boy."

PTW: "I'm sorry, we no longer serve Happy Meals here."

TP: "Wait. What? Why?"

PTW: "Due to a new law enacted by the Board of Supervisors of San Francisco, it has been decided that you, the parent, are too stupid to regulate your child's nutritional needs."

TP: "Excuse me???"

PTW: "As you may not be aware, as you are a stupid parent, childhood obesity is on the rise.  In an effort to combat obesity, the government felt it was necessary to step in and do all the thinking for you.  Rather than the parent teaching the child to eat a variety of fruits, vegetables, meats, fats, and sugars in moderation and to turn off the idiot box, I mean, TV/DVD/computer/game player, the government would like to seize power, I mean, help you make easier decisions.  In an effort to remove fat and add fun into food, it is necessary for the consumer to be herded in the correct direction, much like a cow."

TP: "WHAT did you just call me?"

PTW: "The government is afraid that if a child is offered a toy with a Happy Meal, you the parent will never consider that you have the option of telling the child that there are other things in life to eat.  They certainly can't expect you to offer your child a toy with a plate of spinach.  You can't be expected to exercise good judgment about nutritional needs.  That's why the government is working to stay one step ahead of the consumer.  Like taking all the yummy taste from Oreo cookies.  You may have noticed that your child's morning bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs* has eight grams of fiber in every serving.  It's part of a balanced breakfast."

TP: "Are you seriously trying to sell me on the idea that the cereal I let my kid eat on Saturday mornings while he rots his brains with cartoons is nutritious?  The deal is, if he gets to eat that on Saturdays, I get to sleep until 9.  It's junk food!  I let him eat it ONCE A WEEK!"

PTW: "Well, just to be on the safe side, the government would like to assume you're an idiot.  Now, what can I do for you today?"

TP: "Give me directions to the nearest Chic-Fil-A.  They have great milkshakes."


*Hat Trick Points if you picked up the reference to Calvin and Hobbes, by the great comic genius Bill Waterson:

Election 2010- Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

Dear Florida,
Thank you for returning to your common sense.  I guess a two year headache of crappy political decisions has made you realize what many of us already knew: big government sucks eggs.

Now, to you newly elected: DON'T LET US DOWN!  We voted you in here for a reason, namely CHANGE/FIX this mess.  You have a big task ahead, but let's see you put your money where your mouth has been this past campaigning year. 
 

Gov. Rick Scott

Sen. Marco Rubio. (Thanks for the help Charlie Crist!)

Attn General Pam Bondi

District 61 Rep. Will Weathford

Good luck folks and God bless.

Trash Talking With Big Virginia Brother

I'm elated because I'll be up in Virginia in two weeks.  True, I'm going up to be a pack mule/indentured servant/cook/baby-sitter/comic relief for a dear friend who is moving further from the Beltway, and seeing as I'm a veteran mover (6 during childhood, 4 dorms in 4 years, 6 after college, and 3 since my return to FL), AND my current job status allows plenty of freedom (read: unemployed), I'm being brought in as a relocation specialist (read: cheaper and funnier than a professional moving company).  My motto: 'I bitch but I get the job done."

I miss the Old Dominion with its four seasons (as compared to Florida's two: Decent and Hot with Humidity high enough to steam vegetables in your armpits), the accessibility of a good non-Starbucks coffee house, the funky hipsters in George Town, the pretentious Beltway insiders, many friends, and the scenic waterfront of Old Town Alexandria.

The things that I don't miss include the Beltway traffic where one accident can cause you a two hour delay between exits (been there), the MS-13 gang (with whom I accidentally triggered a turf war), the high cost of living (900/mo for a one bed room in Ghettodale), and especially the taxes.  

Lo and behold, the government is finding yet ANOTHER way to squeeze water from a stone.  The lovely town of Alexandria is giving out larger recycling bins to customers who have requested them.  The cost is only $9/year.  Not too bad overall, unless you realize that even if you AREN'T using the new bins you STILL have to pay!  Oh and by the way, even if you don't use these tracking-chipped waste receptacles, you'll get mail flyers 'encouraging' you to recycle.  Don't be too surprised when you are fined next year for failing to participate in 'ecological consciousness.'

More to come.  I still have Koran burning idiots on the brain.  But for now I have errands to run, a crawfish and two gold fish that are begging for food, and a kitchen that won't clean itself.   

Taxed to Death

Let's face it.  Economically, we're in deep shit.  Not the ewww-I-just-stepped-in-sidewalk-doggy-doo type.  The type of situation we are in right now is aptly stated by Gunnery Sargent Hartman of Full Metal Jacket. fame, "...you will be in a world of shit."  While Hartman was referring to killer instincts necessary on the battle field, we could take his words at face value each day the bell sounds on Wall Street.

The economy is plummeting faster than the 1937 Hindenburg thanks to massive, ill-advised, closed-doors negotiated bail outs to banks/car manufactures/insurance industries et al, who played fast and loose in risky ventures.  Now the government is scrambling to correct these colossal errors by attacking the little man in middle America rather than punish the CEOs of these large conglomerates who are busy taking grand vacations to day spas. (Yea, that makes sense.  Unemployment rates raise monthly and yet they continue to squeeze water from a stone while the elite get chemical facial peels).

I came across this article today which further illustrates the idiotic lengths which the government is willing to go in their search to recoup lost revenue.  It seems that the cheese-steak capital of the US, home to the Liberty Bell is now hitting up bloggers for the privilege of expressing their opinion in an open forum.  So now the stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) who might earn 3 bucks a month generated from add links to Gerber products or Huggies Diapers is being hit up with a $300 mandatory business licenses.  What?? The?? Frig??

Are we seriously that desperate?  Have we lost that much common sense along with the trillions of dollars that have been flushed down the cooperate porcelain throne that we have to go after a bloggers who might make enough for a monthly 1/2 cup of coffee from their local Starbucks?  I would be hard pressed to find anyone who could agree that this constitutes as self-employment. 

It's a horrible sign of the times when we are needing to hit up the SAHM constitutes.