Monday, June 24, 2013

Humbled

My phone has been crashing a lot, due to the fact that there is little to none internal storage and I don't feel like hacking the internal memory space to flip files over to the external storage as my phone JUST NOW started reciving and sending picture messages. I'm certain one thing has nothing to do with the other, but it'd be just my luck.

So in order to free up memory space, I un-synced one of my email accounts.  It's usually just filled up with spam so I look at it infrequently.

Nicholas_T via FlickrAnd I noticed today that 6 days ago a wonderful person dropped $100 in my PayPal account. 

And I feel LIKE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE AROUND!

I've chatted with her, bitched about my life, and not once did she say, "Uhhhhh, why don't you STFU?"

For this I'm so sorry.  And humbled.  And touched. 

I am so grateful and blessed to have people in my life who help me out when things look bleak to me.


Sunday, June 23, 2013

5 Minutes

One friend I made through Band Back Together is Jana.  She lost her son her Charlie on the 24th day of his life, due to Late Onset Group B Strep.  Her story is heartbreaking and powerful.  She is a wonderful woman with strength I wish I had.

Each Sunday she poses a challenge to herself and others to free write for 5 minutes straight.  No filter, just whatever happens as your fingers dance across the keyboard.

I realized today, after the enormity of some news I've gotten, that I need to write through this confusion and pain every day.  Even if it is only five minutes.

Off to set the kitchen timer.

300 Seconds Inside My Brain
I think the bbq I ate for lunch was bad.  My stomach is rolling.

Maybe it's because of the news Jeremiah's shrink gave me the other day.  My son has Tourette Syndrome and GAD aka Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

WTF.

I'm still reelling. I knew things weren't going right back in November, so I started getting help for him.  I knew in the back of my head that he had issues, but when the doctor said these out loud it made it all the more real.

If one person asks me if my son curses uncontrollably i will PUNCH THEM IN THEIR STUPID FACE.

Will I get jail time for that?

I can't think straight.  I'm going a little crazy today.  Yesterday was terrible for him.  He stayed with a friend who was also watching two other kids.  They were girls.  Horrible, obnoxious, brats from the outer rings of Hell.  I think they could annoy Satan.

He was great while he was there, but the moment he got home, all hell broke loose for him.  All the pent up rage and frustration boiled over.  He punched his dummy.  He laid down on the bed and kicked.  Screamed into his pillow.  Threaten to punch himself in the head.