Sunday, December 29, 2013

Day 31 Was Much More Fun

It's 20 til 10 and I'm ready to nod off.  And that's a good thing.
Yesterday was crap, but today ran a much better course.  I think getting some decent sleep, aided by a bit of Xanax and a beach towel over the window, was a huge help.

I spent all day on the couch, glued to the computer, but for a good cause.  I've been putting together some flyers, business cards, and a website to promote my business.  More on that later. 

I think there is a light at the end of this tunnel.  Depression might be a lying bastard, but I'll kick him in the teeth just yet.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

30 Days: Worse For the Wear

30 days in.  No weight loss.  More weight gain.  Why?

Here's the answer
  • cookies (gluten free doesn't make them calorie free)
  • eggnog (can't handle diary well, but doesn't stop me from imbibing.  Mmmmmhhhhh, noggy goodness)
  • depression 
  • butternut squash mac and cheese (Swiss instead of cheddar makes its betta)
  • anxieties 
  • scones (they're not really that good, but does it stop me.  No!)
  • little sleep (Because nothing says Christmas like 3 5' snowmen on a 2 ft lawn, just outside my bedroom window)
  • rock through the car windshield which cancelled Christmas plans
I'm not the person I want to be.  I want to be so much more.  And right now my head is spinning with all the things I want to do, like map out my novel, clean my room, do some yoga, visit the library, and yet I want to curl up in bed and sleep for three days.

Maybe a good night's sleep and a cry would help.  Maybe I should sleep on the couch tonight, which is dark and tomb-like.  Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Four of Hearts

The scale seems to indicate that I lost weight, however I don't feel that I have. To tell you the truth I don't even remember what I weighed last week. All I know is that right now I feel really depressed and stressed about where I am.
Last week I had a blast on Thanksgiving. I met some new friends, I laughed really hard, learn some new references for MST 3K, and inhaled all sorts of yummy food. But when the hostess of Thanksgiving posted a picture today on FB, my immediate reaction was "I look like a fat cow."
I'm super stressed now more than ever. My Christmas plans have changed and I'm now guilt-tripping down to Florida for Christmas. So now not only am I worried that I can't financially afford this, I'm worried about the reception my weight will get. When I was down over the summer picking my son up from his summer vacation in Florida, I was rudely informed that I was fat and unhealthy.
Which comes as no surprise to me, both that the person acted that way and also, I know I'm overweight. Like all the women in my family I'm stress eater, and I tend to have a lot of stress in my life. Raising a son on my own and working full time isn't easy. I don't have the luxury to exercise whenever the mood strikes and my diet can be pretty shitty from being on the run all the time.
The problem is the people who point out my weight remember that as child and a teenager I was really active. I played soccer for 13 years, in addition to every other sport on the face of this earth. so when I was easily running 3 miles at each practice, it was no problem keeping the weight off.
But I'm not 16 anymore I'm going on 33. And yes I realize that I do need to get healthier. But its not going to make me feel more motivated to get in shape when it's pointed out that I'm fat.