Sunday, November 14, 2010

Welcome to McDonald's--Would You Care for an Un-Happy Meal?

(A possible conversation if more San Francisco idiots get their way.)

Perky Teenage Worker: "Welcome to McDonald's!  How can I help you today?

Tired Parent: "One chicken nugget Happy Meal with a Sprite for a little boy."

PTW: "I'm sorry, we no longer serve Happy Meals here."

TP: "Wait. What? Why?"

PTW: "Due to a new law enacted by the Board of Supervisors of San Francisco, it has been decided that you, the parent, are too stupid to regulate your child's nutritional needs."

TP: "Excuse me???"

PTW: "As you may not be aware, as you are a stupid parent, childhood obesity is on the rise.  In an effort to combat obesity, the government felt it was necessary to step in and do all the thinking for you.  Rather than the parent teaching the child to eat a variety of fruits, vegetables, meats, fats, and sugars in moderation and to turn off the idiot box, I mean, TV/DVD/computer/game player, the government would like to seize power, I mean, help you make easier decisions.  In an effort to remove fat and add fun into food, it is necessary for the consumer to be herded in the correct direction, much like a cow."

TP: "WHAT did you just call me?"

PTW: "The government is afraid that if a child is offered a toy with a Happy Meal, you the parent will never consider that you have the option of telling the child that there are other things in life to eat.  They certainly can't expect you to offer your child a toy with a plate of spinach.  You can't be expected to exercise good judgment about nutritional needs.  That's why the government is working to stay one step ahead of the consumer.  Like taking all the yummy taste from Oreo cookies.  You may have noticed that your child's morning bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs* has eight grams of fiber in every serving.  It's part of a balanced breakfast."

TP: "Are you seriously trying to sell me on the idea that the cereal I let my kid eat on Saturday mornings while he rots his brains with cartoons is nutritious?  The deal is, if he gets to eat that on Saturdays, I get to sleep until 9.  It's junk food!  I let him eat it ONCE A WEEK!"

PTW: "Well, just to be on the safe side, the government would like to assume you're an idiot.  Now, what can I do for you today?"

TP: "Give me directions to the nearest Chic-Fil-A.  They have great milkshakes."


*Hat Trick Points if you picked up the reference to Calvin and Hobbes, by the great comic genius Bill Waterson: