I Will Not Break

Disclaimer for trolls reading this post: 

My writings tonight are not

 (nor have ever been) a cry for pity or sympathy.  

It's just me talking about how my fucked up head 

deals with stuff that happens in my life. 

 That's how I've always intended this blog to be.

I started hurting myself again tonight.

I lost two friends in the matter of 3 days.

I was publicly stomped on by a troll, but when I dared to defend myself, my now use to be friends advised me to stop writing for the public to read, that I should take down everything I've ever written about my ex.

Yesterday I was numb, today I was beating myself up.  Could there be things so awful that I had written that I don't recall?  Am I really so angry that I fail to realize that everything I write is about him?

So tonight as I realized I needed to write out my pain, rather than try to bleed it out of myself, I dove head first into the search engine on my blog.  I needed to see how many times I had allegedly  "misrepresented (my) ex-fiance."

You know how many times I made barest mention of my ex?  3 times.  In the span of 186 posts.

• engaged and ditched at the alter,
• I'm doing TONS better about the whole ex-fiance thing.  It's not like ending a relationship with a boyfriend, for heavens sake, I was ready to pledge my live to him!
• I hate that when my fiancee dumped me at the alter, claiming that I was not trustworthy and would probably have an affair, still angers me.  He came from a broken family, which saddens my heart.  He had problems that he was unable to see, but I still loved that foolish boy.  I know that I would not make the same mistakes and get involved with someone so damaged, but I am still afraid of trusting someone again.

For the love of cookie dough, I didn't even devote an entire post to him!  These are the only things I've publicly shared.

I'm not a bad person.  Looking at it now, I don't think I'm that angry about that relationship either.  If I were, shouldn't more of my writings be devoted to my angst/torch bearing to my ex, as I was accused by the troll.

I'm sad all this unnecessary drama has been stirred up.  I'm sad that a poisonous troll had such power over friends who have known me for over 13 years. 

I'm sorry that my words, spoken in confidence, where used against me.

So no, I won't stop writing.  I won't make my writings private.  Because I said nothing wrong in the first place.

Now I just need to convince my brain to let go of the hurt so I can stop the bleeding on my skin. 

Hypocrisy, Thy Name is Anonymous

Anyone who REALLY knows me is aware that I am always open to correction.  I may not like having my faults pointed out, but I usually have the humility to accept criticism where and when it is due.  A real friendship in my eyes, is one where you can lovingly approach another about a fault/character flaw/bad habit and in true justice and sincerity point out the error of one's ways.

It's like that crappy, whiny song The Fray did several years ago.  If you really care about someone who is doing things that are bad for them, you run the risk of losing that friendship.  But a deep, abiding friendship between two people can usually help each other walk on a better path of life.

 Oh, The Fray, how I hate your whiny Gray's Anatomy theme song.  My ears bleed.

I had a dear, long-time friend call me today and voice some concern about the hurt and anger that I still carry around from the loss of my almost marriage.  And I do admit it is a HUGE fault of mine that I should work on.  I can accept her just criticism of me because she has spoken these words to me out of love and concern for me.

What I CAN NOT STAND FOR THE LIFE OF ME are those who dare offer council to me when they have done absofuckinglutly nothing for my life.  These people are called trolls.

And I had a troll post a message to me on my previous post WHY.  I raged for a few minutes then realized the absurdity of it all.

So this is what I had to say.  After all, these writings are my own fucking diatribes.  I'm not forcing a gun to anyone's head to read my drivel.  I am not emailing it back to ANY of my exes.  And of the people who read this blog, many do not know my ex fiancee.  So I can only conclude that the person who sent me this note is someone who I haven't spoken to in 4 years, but makes it their disgusting duty to read up on my life and report back to my ex.

• Anonymous, all I have to say to you is that since you lack the courage to give me your name (though I have a feeling who this is) I do not owe you any explanation. In the past 4 years, that is one thousand four hundred sixty days, you have not called me, nor written, nor text, or even sent up smoke signals, save for this and two comments on a previous blog.
  
  Quiet simply, you are a coward and you like to stir the pot. Why do you feel it is your duty to read what I write and then report it back to my ex? If he has had an issue with me writing, than it is his duty to ask me to cease and desist. If I were asked by him to no longer talk about the demise of our relationship, then I would do so. So far, I haven't heard anything.
  
  Also, if you actually read my blog, there is no way that I have ever insinuated that my ex fiancee was the man who was responsible for raping me.
  
  Lastly, and I'll be done here, the words "COUPLES COUNSELING" were N....E....V....E....R brought up.
  
  Oh, and one more thing, since this is MY blog and the internet is a public forum, this conversation is now fodder for my next post. So in a way, thank you for giving me a reason to write tonight.
  
  And I was so afraid that I was going to have writers block. 

 And in case this wasn't already apparent, I'll make this clear:

• Yes, I still bear the hurt that comes with being left at the alter, four days prior to my wedding.
• Yes, I still bear the hurt that comes with losing about forty "friends" in one fell swoop.  It's sad that of all those who claimed to be my friend, only two people of that former pool of "friends" bothered to call me.  I wrote letters and made calls to all those friends within hours of the end of my engagement and NOT ONE SINGLE FUCKING PERSON had the decency to call or write back.
• Am I a lot farther on in my healing than I was four years ago?  Yes.  Of course I am.  It was four fucking years ago.  And when I occasionally mention what happened, it's typically in reference to me learning to over come my fears.  Things well up in my head, and like a tea pot, I have to let some steam out.  But once again, this is my own fucking blog.

So now that I have blown off my steam, lest my readers, friends, or trolls think that I am an unhappy person, here's an awesome, hysterical video.  This will help wipe away the blood dripping from your ears, if you happened to listen to the crappy Fray song. 

PS- Troll, fuck off.  I'm a writer.  I write. 

Wedding Bells at Barrington Hill Farm!

Photo by Tina Sargeant Photography

 DON'T WORRY!  NOT MY WEDDING!

I do some work for the owner of Barrington Hill Farm, and she is opening up the horse farm as a venue for weddings.  Seriously beautiful!  On the off chance that I may walk down the aisle one day, I'd love to have the reception there.

She needs help getting the word out about the place, so if you can follow the link over to the blog 100 layer cake and leave a comment, like "How pretty!" "If I lived in the area, I'd do an event there!" because the more hits she can get on the blog and site, the more traffic gets to the site, the higher her ranking will go on the search engines when people search for outdoor wedding venues in FL.

I really appreciate the help (cuz she makes it possible for me to stay home and write for the most part.  FYI, I submitted my first article to Associated Content, the online newsfeed for Yahoo.  I'll know in a few more days if it gets published.)

And to my readers across the globe in Russia, Germany, Brazil, Australia, and even Pakistan, thanks for checking in on me!  It really brightens my day when I can check my stats and see that I am reaching people far away from the sunny climes of Florida.  You (along with my US/Canada readers, I won't forget you!) really keep me invigorated to write. 

Writing has been my life-long passion, but I've never had the guts to do it before.  Thanks for boosting my spirits and giving me the confidence that I actually have some writing chops!  I love you!!!!

http://www.100layercake.com/blog/archives/9680

Photos: http://www.sargeantstudios.com/