Tuesday, January 25, 2011

In Case You Were Wondering

I've had a severe case of blog-itis  (Think laryngitis of the brain) and have been so aggravated by it.  See, I suffer from a fabulous combo of depression/anxiety and with the recent setback of two weeks of unemployment, it really got me off my rocker. 

Yea, I saw it coming.  I knew the weather was gonna kill the crops and working seasonal work means just that, but still....it still hit me hard. 

I was back to fighting the feelings of failure for losing a good job back in June, not being able to find work, feelings of failure as a mother, my inability to lose weight after eating my way through sweets to combat my sorrow get jilted by my fiance four days prior to the wedding almost three years ago and extreme worry was all my savings got gobbled up.  (Thank God tax returns are just around the corner!  I get to claim the child tax this year.  Yea, but it really pisses me off actually.  The Kiddo's father left when he was 20 wks in utero, yet the POS lawyers that he hired when I sue for child support, and I DIDN'T have the means for a lawyer, demanded that he get to claim the Kiddo as a tax write-off ever other year even though HE'S NEVER SEEN HIM!) 

Whatever.  Moving on.

So depression, falling down half a flight of stairs, having to rely on the extreme generosity of friends for help with food/bills while I was out of work has been completely humbling.  And I haven't want to share any of this struggle b/c the situation was/is so humiliating.  I've always taken care of myself, working three jobs to put myself through school (which I haven't worked on paying the loans in almost 2 years), worked a frightening and sometimes life-threatening job with incarcerated juveniles after I got dumped by my fiance, and kicking an addiction to booze as an escape.  But right now, this sucks.

But I finally decided to share my experiences because maybe it will help someone out here in Web.  I don't know.  I know that lots of people randomly find my blog because they are searching for something else.  Maybe they'll land on this post and get some sense of relief, knowing that there is someone else out there struggling with depression and anxiety like they are.

If this helps, then great.  It's a gift from God that I've finally been able to write again. 

PS-On a good note, the trees didn't get damaged in the severe frost, but we did lose a lot of fruit.  We are back to work (and I'm so out of practice that my muscles are screaming at me again.  I'm back to chewing ibuprofen like it's candy.)  Fortunately we have enough for the Kumquat Festival this weekend.  I'd suggest that if you are in the Tampa Bay region, stop by for some laughs and REALLY delicious Kumquat pie. 

PPS-  I'm doing TONS better about the whole ex-fiance thing.  It's not like ending a relationship with a boyfriend, for heavens sake, I was ready to pledge my live to him!  It's taken me some time, but I think with continuing to search for a new job, moving closer to the major city where a nightlife consists of more than the Waffle House open 24 hrs, and my counselor, I'll be fine.  At least I know I'm on the right road.