Friday, January 7, 2011

I March to the Beat of a Different Drummer and I Won't Wear Your Damn Shoes!

It's time for me to toot my own horn, but not just for me, for any woman who has ever felt less than, who has questioned her gut instincts because someone else has told her that she is wrong.  This post is for any woman who has felt too fat, too plain, too outspoken, too wrong in every way.

I've lost 6lbs in the last 6 days.  Yea me for actually watching what the hell I've been eating!  I need and want to lose some weight so I can be a bit healthier, so I can chase after my son without wanting to die from lack of oxygen, so if I have to run (AGAIN) after a (suspected) rape victim I won't be so sore the next day I can't move without bitching.  The thing is, I'M DOING IT FOR MYSELF, not for anyone else!!!!!!

Women, have you ever made the mistake of trying to diet/lose weight to impress someone whether it be your family member who says that you have such a pretty face, but a fat ass or your (lame-ass, needs-to-be-dumped-right-away) boyfriend who "liked you when you first started going out, while there was a LOT more of you to like," but is "even turned on more now that there is LESS of you."

(Side note: 3 of the 4 guys I have dated were fixated on my weight/waist/chest size and each time I was with one of them, I tried to 'fix' my body to have their approval.  Thank God with the help of a great mentor and spiritual adviser, I've realized that the problem isn't ME, it's the assholes that I've been with.)

I wish every woman out there who has cried when she looked at the woman in the mirror, believing that she is too fat, too disgusting to be loved, could realize what it's taken me almost 30 years to realize.

This entire post stems from a commercial I saw while vegging out on the parent's couch Christmas day watching A Christmas Story marathon that PISSED. ME. OFF.  (Sidenote: I've spent several hours on the almighty Google and YouTube trying to locate the commercial just so I could get even more pissy before writing about said commercial.  No such luck.)

The product being touted by athletic-blond Barbie are those shoes with the curved sole, claiming to firm up you legs and butt just by walking around in them.  (Frankly, if you believe that walking ten feet around you kitchen and one trip through the grocery store a week will give you buns of steel, I have a bridge I'd like to sell you.)  So Christmas Barbie is putting gifts under the tree for her family, explaining who gets which present, when she pulls out the asstastic toning sneakers saying, "And for my husband I got myself a pair of <INSERT NAME-BRAND> shoes so I can be a sexier me."

^^^^^^^^^^^^Long pause^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Did I just hear that correctly?

You are going to be SEXIER FOR HIM?  Why don't you just say that your relationship with your husband is so superficial that you feel that a tighter ass will show your love for him?  That you aren't good enough/sexy enough to keep your husband happy?  That you are the problem?


Ladies out there: NO!

We don't need to put up with this shit for one minute longer.  You are just right the way you are and if the man of you dreams thinks that your body shape/size is out of proportion for him, drop his ass right there.

What I'm trying to say is, if you want to/need to lose weight, DO. IT. FOR. YOURSELF.  No one else. 

I've made that mistake before.  I was with a man (men) who made me question my beauty, my self-worth, my self-esteem.  I'm not here to point fingers and play the blame game.  I went along with their ideas because I didn't love myself.  I didn't like what was inside me, so I thought I could fix the outside. 

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself  what the ever witty Jen Lancaster says in her book Such a Pretty Fat, "I'm tired of books where a self-loathing heroine is teased to the point where she starves herself skinny in hopes of a fabulous new life.  And I hate the message that women can't possibly be happy until we all fit into our skinny jeans.  I don't find these stories uplifting: they make me want to hug these women and take them out for fizzy champagne drinks and cheesecakes and explain to them that until they figure out their insides, their outsides don't matter.(Emphasis mine)

I am living my life one day at a time, loving myself.  Don't me wrong.  I have my ups and downs.  Being unemployed has not be the greatest thing on my ego.  Being a single mom with a wacky sense of humor sometimes makes me wonder how soon my son will ask to see a shrink.  I have days when I am horribly brutal to myself.  But the important thing is, I come out of it.  And I move forward.

Learn to love yourself first before you try to fix your weight.  And do it for yourself. 

I hope this is a message that I can pass on to my younger sisters and any women out there floundering around in a sea of weight-induced misery.  30 years is far too long a time to not enjoy life because you aren't a size 6.