Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Finer Art of Sales

To the young women who barged into my house today,

In the future, should you continue to solicit door to door in hopes of winning a college scholarship (which I highly question its authenticity even though you mentioned Oprah's name) allow me to give you a few pointers that might boost your sales or at least prevent you from losing your foot in a slamming door.

First, dress up for grits and gravy sake!  I understand going door-to-door means that you might want to be a bit more casual.  I'm fine with the jeans.  What I find appalling is that I know you store your Marlboro Reds in your ample bosom because your shirt was low cut and stretched out of shape.  I remember trying to pimp my Cutco knives (oh, the horror!)  to pay for another semester of college and I never went on a call with out looking like I was going on a job interview because you know what?  No one wants to buy goods from a salesperson that looks like a Jerry Springer cast member. 

Secondly, slow down when you speak.  You claimed to be from Kentucky, but the only time I've heard someone speak that fast was watching Gilmore Girls.  Personally, I can't stand the dialogue on speed approach when it comes to conversations (unless it's along the lines of "Run!TheKillerIsHeadingThisWay!HolyShit!Run!).  Southerners tend to be a bit more laid back and our drawl occasionally causes one syllable words to elongate to three syllables.  (Ask a Southern boy to say shit and you'll hear "Sheeyet," no fooling.)

Third, don't ask demand, "Do you have something to drink other than water, 'cuz I don't drink that stuff."  And if I offer you OJ just to get you to shut up because I am trying to be polite, don't ask "Is it disgusting?"

Fourth, DO NOT continually high-five the person you are attempting to sell you products to.  I don't care if I went to college (High 5!), read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (High 5!), studied history (Fist Bump!), do yoga (High 5!), my kid is watching a science movie you watched in high school (High 5!) or am raising my son alone (High 5!).  I can guarantee you the next High 5! you attempt will probably aimed at your face.  I was only too kind because my child was watching me and the train wreck you were driving. 

Fifth, don't curse like a sailor straight from the docks.  Yes, I have can have a foul vocabulary, but I have the common sense to speak like that in front of my friends who know me well enough and NOT in front of my child.   One possible reason my neighbors are "jackasses" is because every time you opened your sewer mouth, they decided not to give you the time of day.  Plus trying to convince someone to purchase a magazine because they'll get one thousand dollars (!!!!!) of coupons, because "who fucking doesn't like coupons?" is not a high selling point. 

Good luck in the future!  I can only imagine what the halls of higher learning has in store for you.

Sincerely and High 5!
The Diatribest