Aunt Becky Likes Vodka, as well as The Band

A Day in the Life of the Kiddo

Conversation in the Diatribest household

"Momma, you are the bestest thing that has ever happened in my life."

"Thank you, Baby-Man"

"I'm all done with my shower."

"Okay, get dressed.  The laundry isn't dry yet, so you don't have an underwear.  Just put on your pj bottoms."

"I DON'T HAVE ANY CLEAN UNDERWEAR!

AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

WORST DAY EVER!"

Facelifted

If you think it's me, well guess again.  I don't need a facelift although I could use a bobby lift.  I'd work on getting me ole' knockers tucked back up under my chin. I miss the days when I could find a bra that wasn't just beige, black, or white.  Or the days when I could run around without a bra.

Why do clothing manufactures think the bigger you are, the less taste in clothing style you have.  Honestly, how many large women think, "Now that I weight over 200 lbs. I'd like to dress in nothing but large floral prints.  I think I'd look great looking like a giant field little children can get lost in."

Seriously clothing manufactures, get a grip!

Anyways, My Daily Diatribes is getting a bit of a facelift.  I'm trying to get the word out about yours truly and by running a blitzkrieg across the world wide web, I might get some more opportunities drummed up.  Momma's got bills to pay!

So do your part my Ministers of Mayhem!  Get your Diatribest out there!  Tell your mom, your dad, you cousin twice removed, and you best friends.  Spread my awesomeness around! 

Flamingos. I haz them

I've got several articles to write today, so what better way than to tackle the work by avoiding them and writing a silly blog post.  Yea, me!  The way I see it, if I can get my creative juices flowing and actually chase away the daily doubts I can tackle the job that might actually bring in some income. 

Seriously? Why?

This morning I was re-watching a video of The Bloggess which was a reminder of how I need to do the things that make me 'furiously happy,' and that pursuing my dream of writing as a full-time career is what I truly believe that I am called to do.  And even though I have no stable source of income, what with picking up small jobs as I attempt to pursue bigger clients, I am determined not to give up so easily.  So I stare at the pink flamingo that sits at my desk and ponder, what the hell should I write about this morning and it hits me.  Why the hell do I like flamingos so much?

It certainly can't be because I want to own one.  Frankly, I think birds are disgusting creatures that should be kept outside.  God gave 'em wing, why the hell do they need to be kept in a cage with those things clipped?  Birds with clipped wings seems like the Venus de Milo, pretty to look at but reminds me of a victim of a serial killer who took the arms as a trophy.  Okay, maybe that's just me, and I have a really sick, strange associative mind.  But whatever, I don't care.  After all, I am the serial_writer.

Plus, birds shit all over the place.  I already have to wipe my kid's butt, so no thank you I do not want to clean a birdcage. This is why I prefer cats over dogs, just for the sheer fact that they have the decency to cover their own shit-shame.

So really I don't like the actual bird, I like the pink plastic representation.  I think growing up in Florida, you are accustomed to all things 'tropical' themed.  Never mind the face that the flamingo is not native to Florida, much less the US.  But they just seem to fit.  The greatest use of pink flamingos, IMHO, was the time someone flamingo'd their friends front yard to celebrate her birthday.  40 flamingos for 40 years.  Very cool.

Come Christmas time, these babies are gonna be pulling Santa's sleigh.

Next Time on House: Dr. Chews Gum While He Amputates Leg

I'm damaged good.  Naturally all women want to hump me.

Search engines, all I have to say is what the hell?  How to you explain that two people searching for "Can Dr. House amputate his leg" and another searching "Why do I chew gum daily" land on my site.  I find it hard to believe that terms like Dr. House's leg has been so underutilized that my page pops up first in Google results.  I don't know if I should be flattered or irritated.  Maybe I should start throwing out random words and see what happens next.

Burbank, California!
Kittens
Old Spice (just cuz I luv the dreamy man your man could smell like man)
The Book of John
Ice Cream Cones

I'll let you know what that brings.

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 I'm going to introduce you to a new segment of my blog I'd like to call "News that Pisses Me Off (Because It's so Fucking Dumb.)" So without further ado:

News That Pisses Me Off  

(Because it's so fucking dumb)

• First up, Bolton, England where a British whorehouse fitness group is offering a pole dancing class. FOR SEVER YEAR OLD GIRLS!  I understand the way capitalism works.  You make a product, no matter how dumb it is (see truck testicles below) and the consumer will by it, thereby you laugh all the way to the bank.  Now here's what really pisses me off.  It's not the "gym" that is offering the classes.  It's the PARENTS that are allowing their pre-prepubescent innocent girls to attend these classes.  I mean for Gods sake, why don't you just pimp them out of the street for an honest dollar if you want your child to have a career in pole dancing.  That's every pedophiles wet dream come true.  I'm not for Big Brother stepping into peoples lives, but in this cases, I'd be all for it.  Do these assholes even realize what they are doing to these babies, turning them into sex on a stick when most of them can't ride in a car without a booster seat?  For you parents in Bolton, England--You are sick fuckers!
• Apparently a cop in Bonneau, North Carolina had nothing better to do than to hand out a $445 ticket to a woman who had 'truck nutz/bull balls' hanging off the back of her truck.  Here's the thing, personally I find those things juvenile, disgusting, and frankly, if you have to hang fake beanbags off your truck to prove something, you're overcompensating  (i.e. men who drive fast, red sports cars).  Citing an obscure public decency law, her trial is set for August 1.  If he wants to play fair, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, why doesn't officer jackass pull over semis with naked lady mud flaps.  Oh, that's right.  Because he'd be too scared to do that.  

It's late now, I've finished my rants.  I should finish up a page I've been working on for The Band, but I think I'll make some cinnamon and sugar toast.