Exhausted, Yet Alive

I'm tired.  Not just tired, but beyond fucking exhausted.  Like it hurts to keep my eyes open and feel as if I am moments away from bursting into tears, but I have to write.

My mind has been still for too long, my soul shut up and chained.  And I'm finally finding sweet relief. 

Things has started off badly about a month ago.  I had a massive panic attack for 2 DAYS. I'm not sure what triggered it exactly but it was a combo of dealing with child support remodifications paper work
and finding some of the hateful letters my ex sent trying to convince me to give up my son, hating my weight which is more than it needs to be, feeling inadequate around the soccer moms at Jeremiah's
school (one mom started her sentence with 'my husband the dr'), not being able to see my shrink for over 3 months because I was/am broke, and stressed about being REALLY fucking broke. 

Like beyond broke. At one point I was down to $3. I wasn't just robbing Peter to pay Paul but I was beating the shit out of the other Apostles. I had lost my internet, received my final motice for my electric bill, my rent
was over due along with my car payment is overdue, and I had two bills that got resent to collection when my scheduled payments bounced.

It's not that I'm not working!

I am busting my ass everyday. And now it looks like things might be turning a corner.  Good things are finally coming my way.  I'm going to be teaching math to 3 and 4 year old every Tuesday and Thursday, so within a few months that should be a stable source of income that will allow me to finally break from from writing crappy $2 articles.  I'll be able to focus so much more of my time into my writings.

I've been asked to join the editorial board for Band Back Together, which just applied for non-profit status.  Things are taking off for this group and I am so proud to be a part of it.  I cut my hair to my sassy, kick-ass, curly short style that's I've dodged for three years. 

I know things are changing, I'll be doing good as long as I plug on. 

Fatty Gets the Last Laugh

Hey Maura Kelly, remember when you wrote that piece of drivel "Should Fatties Get A Room (Even on TV)?" How did it feel seeing Melissa McCarthy walk across stage in front of MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of views to accept that Emmy?


Did it make you a little sick inside?  ***" To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room."***  Did you want to run and purge because a fat person has gotten an award that will never touch your hands?

I've got news for you sweetie, you are a jerk.

In a society where girls are bombarded with images of slender sexuality and giant, fake boobs (see Toddler and Tiaras, more on that later) there stood a proud, confident, large woman who got where she was by being herself.

I love Melissa McCarthy in all her wonderful, funny humor.  And I love that she makes no apologies for her size.

Like that foot you've choked  on?
  

What was I thinking?

I was doing a little cleaning up across the multiple social sites I am on, deleting old contact, blocking people that have no right to be in my life, I popped into my draft sections of my blog.  Some of these things make no sense to me, but obviously at that point I thought it was good.

What the hell was I thinking?

• "9:49-You are officially my hero" --Why is a point in time my hero? AM or PM?
• "Confidential to M" --Who the hell is M?  Was it really confidential if I was writing it on Teh Internet?
• "Kicking glass bottle to avoid muggers"--Is this a public service announcement I'm working on?
• "I think of elephants AND zebras"  
• Rat Dropping--Don't even ask.  I have no idea.

 So I can't think of anything else, so I'll leave you with this hilarious picture.  It's the greatest thing I've ever encountered on the Fl beaches.

Milestones #2 & 3

Back in March, I reached my first milestone, 101 posts.  It was a fantastic feeling, waxy buildup on teeth included.  And now 6 months down the road, I'm at 2 & 3.

(Actually, I'm behind.  These things happened last month but since I'm the only one who keeps track of this, I'll write about it when I damn well want to.)

Milestone #2
The Kiddo started Kindergarten!  I couldn't be more proud of him if I wanted to.  

Heirloom lunchbox

 
There were no tears that day.  When he greeted me at the end of the day, his exact words were, "I had so much fun, I forgot to miss you!"
I take a lot of pride in the statement.  It is proof that I've done a hell of a great job raising this kid.  So to all the assholes over the years who said I was going to raise a momma's boy/sissy/weakling, I can say, "Screw you."  He's not the biggest kid in the class, but he's not the smallest.  He's still deathly afraid of butterflies, but he's the most out-going.  His penmanship is awful right now, but he amuses his teacher with his comical facial expressions and Italianesque hand gestures. 
He'll be 6 in less than 2 months and he's doing great.  So for all those who told me I couldn't raise a healthy child without a father, how do you words taste now?

Milestone #3
Happy Blogaversary to me.  I've been here at My Daily Diatribes for over a year now.  What started as a bad blind-date with an awkward handful of posts as I sought to find my voice, has turned into a full-blown love affair with the written word.  Over the past year I have come to face some of the more comical aspects of life around me, faced some of my fears, bared my soul, sought support, and found strength in becoming me.  

• Thank you so much for all the wonderful people who have encouraged me along the way.  
• Thank you to the people I've met through Aunt Becky and The Band.
• Thank you to my business partner Amanda Abella, for giving me advice on how to stop whining and start making my writing my job.
• Thank you to Jenny Lawson who makes me laugh, cry, and feel better for being quirky, wonderful me.
• Thank you, my readers who come back time and time again to catch up on my ramblings and think I am the bees knees.  I am STILL surprised that people read this stuff.

Stay tuned for year 2!

Committing Myself

So here's something embarrassing about me, my dirty little secret (other than the fact that I am watching Phineas and Ferb while I write this).  My life is bordering on Teh Normal right now.  And I don't know what to do.

For so long I've lived in a constant state of CHAOS that now I am in a position of near normalcy, I feel totally out of whack.  According to my shrink this isn't uncommon.  I mean,

• I have a ton of talent some which I recently discovered (thank you YouTube tutorials on Kompozer web design!), 
• I have a growing clientele base, 
• I've got a great group of people that I can reach at any moment (seeing as some live in the UK, one in Hong Kong, and the rest are scattered across the US it's high percentage that one of us will be online)
• My Kiddo is absolutely flourishing in school
• I am actually able to let go of a lot of the hatred and doubt that I've struggled with for years

yet I feel like things need to be out of control in order for me to feel secure.  I've been so accustomed with being in a constant of turmoil that I feel so out of touch, like I need to create some insanity.

What I realize that I am looking for is a way to sabotage myself.  And that is SUCKTASTIC!

I don't want to be THAT girl that is always in over her head.  I've  been there for years and I want to leave it behind.  Yes, this is a new and (for now) unpleasant experience of having to rediscover normalcy, but I have to settle into this new routine.

How weird is that?  Feeling uncomfortable that my life is now bordering on Teh Normal. 

I am going to make a commitment to myself, right here and now that I will not sabotage myself.  I will do what I do best and I will continue on this calmer path.

I know I can do it. 

Am I an adult who enjoys cartoons?  

Yes, yes, I am.