I think my subconscious is planning a murder

I find that when I go old school and write out my thoughts on paper I find my groove a lot sooner. Otherwise, I can sit and stare at the screen for hours, distracting  myself every 45 seconds to take a Buzzfeed quiz or see if there are any Facebook posts where I can leave snarky comments.

So the other day as I was not working on my novel, I came across this image on Pintrest and realized it captured a lot of issues that I have when I find randoms scraps of paper I have scribbled on. And even though I was in the middle of cleaning my living room not 15 minutes ago, when I found this paper I decided it's both hysterical and disturbing that I had to share it.

Maybe I was trying to write a one-liner opening for a murder mystery hidden in the depths of my brain or maybe it's a Hemingway six word story entry.

• Depression era dancer winner takes all.
• Be sure to grind the bones.
• Her body entwined the lobster trap.
• His dying speech was sesquipedalian.
• The gallows, hungry for another neck.
• Henry died; the psych ward silenced.

Not too sure where to go with that. 

Bat Rhymes With Splat

Now that I've been back in VA since June, I'm quite impressed with myself for learning how to get around traffic by taking more scenic routes at times.  And I haven't gotten myself too lost.

"Welcome to...." WTF?

Until the other night.  When I drove 45 minutes south before realizing I was going in the wrong direction.  It wasn't until I saw this:



No big deal, right?  What's a 1/4 tank of gas and 45 minutes of my life besides money (which I don't have) and sleep (which I get very little of).  I had been talking with an old friend which is why I failed to pay attention to the signs on the road.

Oh well, one can always turn around and start the 42 mile drive back towards home.  I'll just crank up some tunes by Dr. House and hum along. 

Nothing but me, the Blues, The Kiddo snoring in the back seat, a clear night sky filled with millions of twinkly stars, and the wide open road.

And a bat.  A fucking bat flew right into the windshield. 

In that brief second, I swear that bat looked at me as if to say, "This is the start of a bad night for me."

At least my shrieks of terror didn't wake The Kiddo.  

Laissez les bullsh*t rouler or Why I Am Writing Porn for Spiders*

Inspiration strikes at random for me, so at 11 pm my ability to roll out bullshit finally kicked in.  Right now Amanda and I have landed a well paying gig writing SEO articles.  We are emailed a list of topics and the necessary word count and in return we get $4/500, which is considered really high by industry standard.  (Going rate is usually 1.50.  Yea, for liberal arts degrees.  We can bullshit with the best!)

I've been struggling for the past 5 days with believing in myself.  On some levels its understandable and I have given myself a little leeway, but enough is enough!  It's been over 8 years since I wrote something even remotely connected with learning and so I've been agonizing over every word and how my audience might perceive what I've written.  But here's the thing.  I'm not writing on Jean-Jacques Rousseau's Social Contract as a fan to the flames of the French Revolt.  I'm writing about spiders.

Yes spiders, which I've mentioned before I HATE!  The most challenging thing I've had to write about was a description of how the male Black Widow spider can only reproduce after he first spins a web of his semen, cover his spider parts with said stuff, and go off to bone the female Black Widow and untimely get eaten.  I laughed for so long and tried to come up with a delicate way of explain this natural, nature intending continuance of the life cycle, but somehow I felt like I was writing arachnid porn. 

So before you leave this site a little more knowledgeable about the Black Widow spider and feeling a bit dirty, go check out stereomood.com.  Its a free on-line musical playlist of songs you've never heard before which are sorted by types of moods you might be in.  So far I'm finding that I like the bohemian and the studying mood lists.  

*Aly, thanks for trying to teach me French.  I'll never understand how you can speak a language that sounds like a drunk gargling a handful of marbles, but it still provides me with an endless source of amusement. Bet you never thought I'd link you French lessons with spiders did you? 

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

I hate spiders.  A lot.  Allie over at Hyperbole and a Half has it right:

That's the same dance I do when I encounter frogs and lizards.

But since I have a 5 year old who is frightened of butterflies, I can't bitch out and expect him to stomp on all the creepy crawlies that make it past the window screens and hover around the porch light.

(Side note: what kind of kid screams when he sees a butterfly?  He was totally cool with dragging me into a tent at the fair to peer at all the venomous snakes of FL while I almost passed out/peed my pants from fright.)

So in an effort to put on a brave front for the Kiddo (who today confused mosquitoes with wasps) when one of the hated creatures makes its way into our house, I arm myself with a nearby shoe and yell "FEAR ME!" while I attempt to smash my prey.  The yelling serves a two-fold purpose: I can mask my shrieks of terror/disgust and the Kiddo laughs, not aware of his mother's fear that for every one roach/spider/walking stick you see, there are three you don't see.

And NO, before you ask, I do not live in a filthy, vermin-infested house.  Florida is renown for it's massive 'palmetto bugs.'

As a child I discovered I had spiderman-like skills of climbing walls when one of these creatures FLEW. AT. MY. FACE.

So this morning as I was perusing the daily headlines, I almost choked on my coffee when I came across "Mazda Recalls 50K Cars Due to Spider Infestation".  How the hell do you have spiders INFESTING your cars?

I can understand finding spiders in some of the cars that were parked under the rotting oak on the assembly line lot, but 50K!  Where were they manufacturing these cars, Count Dracula's dungeon?  Did some pissed-off ex-employee sneak in one night and plant mail order spider egg sacs on the underside of all of these cars?

I can't imagine what I would have to say to my insurance agent when I crashed my car through a nursing home because spiders were flying at me from the air vents. 

Good luck Mazda!  Hope you don't have any flying spider lawsuits coming your way!

**************************************************************************

I'm usually stuck on cracked.com.  Don't go there if you want to sleep.

So I have a big announcement to make.  I am going to write.  I mean more.  And for money.  I want to write for real.

Okay, it's almost midnight and I want to finish this damn post and get to bed, but I know I have to put this out in the open so I can be held accountable.  (And I need a bit of your input too.)*

My bro-in-law sent me a link about a teen who sells her stories over Kindle and has made a bundle of money.  My mentor told me tonight that for a homework assignment he wants me to look into what it takes to get it done, pull together a combo of 25 different stories/posts, tweak them a bit and post it on Kindle to sell.

On Monday, barring that I'm not called up to the Kumquat plant, I'll be working writing from 9-11 and 1-4 everyday for the next two months.  I'm really going to make a go of my writing and make it work for me. 

I know that if I can create a niche on Associated Content and develop a following as long as I actively work on it I can get a solid income base.  If I place ads on my blog (which is still up for debate in my head) I could generate revenue too.  If I can pick up so free-lance pieces like copy writing, that would be a bonus.  I have to do this now, more than ever.

I have to challenge myself some more.  It wasn't until my mentor challenged me to write for 21 days straight that I realized what I have needed to do for so long is now laid out in front of me. 

I have to finally accept the fact that I have something special, a gift that can make some laugh or mull over issues from a different, slightly tilted angle.  I have to share this talent.  When I was a child every summer I would attend vacation Bible school, singing "This little light of mine," on a daily basis.  Well, for me I can't hide my light under a bushel basket anymore. 

I'm gonna let it shine.

*Drop me a line, post a response if you have a specific post that sticks out, made you laugh or think.  I want to take into consideration your ideas on how I should approach Kindle.  Thanks!