Friday, September 2, 2011

Committing Myself

So here's something embarrassing about me, my dirty little secret (other than the fact that I am watching Phineas and Ferb while I write this).  My life is bordering on Teh Normal right now.  And I don't know what to do.

For so long I've lived in a constant state of CHAOS that now I am in a position of near normalcy, I feel totally out of whack.  According to my shrink this isn't uncommon.  I mean,
  • I have a ton of talent some which I recently discovered (thank you YouTube tutorials on Kompozer web design!), 
  • I have a growing clientele base, 
  • I've got a great group of people that I can reach at any moment (seeing as some live in the UK, one in Hong Kong, and the rest are scattered across the US it's high percentage that one of us will be online)
  • My Kiddo is absolutely flourishing in school
  • I am actually able to let go of a lot of the hatred and doubt that I've struggled with for years
yet I feel like things need to be out of control in order for me to feel secure.  I've been so accustomed with being in a constant of turmoil that I feel so out of touch, like I need to create some insanity.

What I realize that I am looking for is a way to sabotage myself.  And that is SUCKTASTIC!

I don't want to be THAT girl that is always in over her head.  I've  been there for years and I want to leave it behind.  Yes, this is a new and (for now) unpleasant experience of having to rediscover normalcy, but I have to settle into this new routine.

How weird is that?  Feeling uncomfortable that my life is now bordering on Teh Normal. 

I am going to make a commitment to myself, right here and now that I will not sabotage myself.  I will do what I do best and I will continue on this calmer path.

I know I can do it. 

Am I an adult who enjoys cartoons?  
Yes, yes, I am.