Several years ago I when I was still a wreck,* I believed that I NEEDED a man to complete my life. I was a new mom, very single, very sad, very scared. I felt rejected on so many levels. The thing that hurt that most, that I have not gotten over yet, that I know is still hanging like a big, fucking albatross around my neck is the fact that the newsletter writer for my alma mater told me that my 'situation' wasn't something that others needed to know about.** I hated myself so much. Like Hester Pryne, I had proof positive of my sins, while the father hid in the shadows. I felt that if I HAD a man to give some type of legitimacy to my child, than I would be a socially acceptable person again.
Fast forward to present day. My son is turning 6 on Wednesday. He's excelling in school where he thinks he's the big man on campus, is loved by his family, and couldn't be more adorably cute if I asked him to be. I have pictures to back that up:
I've come to understand over the past 2 years with a lot of help from a wonderful therapist, a handful of loving friends, and an amazing Band to back me up, that I don't NEED a man to make my life complete. I don't feel like a scarlet whore any longer.
I've come to a point where I WANT a man in my life. I want to share my life with someone else. I want someone to sleep next to me at night. That person who can meet my eyes and know that the person I am talking to is a complete idiot. I want someone who will love and respect me the way I know I deserve to be treated.
I'm lonely tonight. I hate having these feelings that I can't do anything with. I'm through needing someone. I'm ready to want someone.
*I don't claim to have all my shit together, but I am a far more happier, SANER, grounded person now. My life isn't the shambles it once was.
**I finally sent an email to that asshole tonight. He's finally going to get a piece of my mind.
Fast forward to present day. My son is turning 6 on Wednesday. He's excelling in school where he thinks he's the big man on campus, is loved by his family, and couldn't be more adorably cute if I asked him to be. I have pictures to back that up:
I've come to understand over the past 2 years with a lot of help from a wonderful therapist, a handful of loving friends, and an amazing Band to back me up, that I don't NEED a man to make my life complete. I don't feel like a scarlet whore any longer.
I've come to a point where I WANT a man in my life. I want to share my life with someone else. I want someone to sleep next to me at night. That person who can meet my eyes and know that the person I am talking to is a complete idiot. I want someone who will love and respect me the way I know I deserve to be treated.
I'm lonely tonight. I hate having these feelings that I can't do anything with. I'm through needing someone. I'm ready to want someone.
*I don't claim to have all my shit together, but I am a far more happier, SANER, grounded person now. My life isn't the shambles it once was.
**I finally sent an email to that asshole tonight. He's finally going to get a piece of my mind.
I woulda told that newsletter editor where and exactly how they could stuff their damn opinion. Good for you for doing it, even years later. Assholes don't usually grow up by choice, if ever at all.
ReplyDeleteHang tough - there's no crime in wanting to be with someone, big crime in undervaluing yourself. Enjoy the wonderful gift that is your son, and know that someone IS going to be who and what you deserve. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful and amazing woman, and I hope you find someone who is worthy of you and your son. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteWow, a child is not a "situation" and not something that needs to be hidden. I am so sorry that happened, I am embarrassed for the school.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say that you will never hear crap like that again but I swear my mother was still getting comments when I was in law school. (and that doesn't even count the aunt that always referred to me as the "bastard child" until my Mom stopped talking to her).
Your son is gorgeous. I agree--nothing wrong with wanting someone to share your life with. Hope you get him soon. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI always wondered how "censored" the alumni newsletter was... It always read like a marriage/birth announcement forum to me. I'm sorry that he said those things to you--especially because that's the type of thing that people DO need to know! A community is supposed to help support its members, and its really hard to do that when we don't know that someone needs support!
ReplyDeletePraying that you find that special someone that you deserve, and good enough himself to deserve you and your son. God Bless you, and Happy Birthday (early) to the Kiddo!
ReplyDeleteI've never contributed updates to that newsletter since they did that to you. I emailed multiple people about it at the time, too, and bitched about how crappy what they did was. I stand by you. Praying that your wants will be fulfilled.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth Butina