The mouse that keeps out outwitting every trap and poison I set out. He shat a ring around the last trap.
My feet being cold all winter long. I wear 2 pairs of socks with my shoes, nuthin doing son.
And I realize and admit that the only damn thing I can control is my weight. I mean, if I were worth my weight in gold, I'd be checking myself into the bank right away.
So here I am on the eve of the eve of Thanksgiving, the mother of all holidays. I love to eat. The kitchen was the focal point in my Gonga's house, as it is at my mom's. We loved to cook and loved to eat even more. I have so many happy childhood memories of spending the two days preceding Thanksgiving staying at my grandmother's house and cooking, which began just after breakfast and lasted way past dinner.
Me, age 12, mixing cornbread dressing in cooler. Because there isn't a bowl big enough.
Mounds of celery and onion simmering in sticks of butter for the multiple pans of dressing. The food processor pulsating whole cranberries to bits. Mince meat and pumpkin pies cooling on top of the washer and dryer. If I concentrate hard enough, I can still smell the leftover pie crusts, slather with butter, cinnamon, and sugar baking in the oven.
I shudder to think of the amount of glorious calories I'll be inhaling as I feast on honey-brined turkey, pumpkin pie, cranberry relish, marshmallow salad, and stuffing.
But I can't take it any longer. When I blew out my knee in '08, I knew I was going to have problems with it every winter. And it's only been coldish weather for 3 weeks and I'm already popping ibuprofen like House pops Vicodin. I know if I don't get my weight down and my body back in shape I'll be limping along on my cane like I was five years ago. (And it won't be the cool limp that lands me a flatmate, ala Watson running through the streets with Sherlock).
It's all fun and games the next two days. Friday, the bitching begins.
If I'm going to admit it, I've been a lazy blogger as of late. Wish I could offer legit excuses, but I'd be blowing smoke up my own ass. Been watching too much TV, reading too little, and writing even less. Bad, bad, bad girl.
Thank God 2012 is just around the corner. I can make a new set of resolutions that I will maintain for three weeks days before I break them. Well, at least I'll follow up on the lose more weight train. I've got a wedding to be in for April and I wanna look super hot!
Since I "work" with Aunt Becky and The Band, I usually see when she or my other Bandmates have updated their blogs. I, however, doubt that many don't take much interest in mine. And I'm not a big Memer, but I figured this was my lazy bloggers way out of getting some writing done. Plus I get to link back to Mommy Wants Vodka, who started me on this little path.
1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Started freelancing, for reals yo! I've written articles on spider porn, the beautiful nation of Belize, and cycle safety in the UK. I bit the bullet, opened up my can of crazy and started sharing my fears with the Net and all of my 2 readers.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Nope and nope. Because I will inevitably break said resolutions, feel immensely guilty, which will lead me into a shame spiral. So this year, I resolve not to make resolutions. Dammit! Now I just broke my own resolution. Shame spiral here I come.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. Several people. And while my heart was saddened with jealousy, my uterus was doing a happy dance. 4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. My Gonga died over the summer and I miss her so much. Every damn day I forget that she's dead and I get ready to call her three times a day.
5. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Money
6. What countries did you visit?
Ummmmmm I'd need money to do so, which I had none.
7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
The Kiddo's first day of school. September something or other. (As a History major, it's a crying shame I suck remembering dates).
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
See # 1. Also? Became an editor at The Band.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I haven't learned how to stop hurting myself as a way to deal with stress.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Dropped 40 lbs of frozen Kumquat puree on my finger. The pain was soooooo intense I almost blacked out and the damn cut kept reopening.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new phone. I <3 it so much! I use to scoff at those who raved about the capabilities of their wonder phones. But when I found out that my phone had a flashlight built in, I wanted to marry it right then and there.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I was going to say Antoine "Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife" Dodson, but upon Googling him I realized that was a 2010 event. (I am always late to the game. Like I just discovered the awesomeness that is Psych and The Big Bang Theory). So I don't know.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Sandusky. Child rapists sicken me.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Gas. When prices reach $4/gallon, I am trading in for a horse.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going on a date for the first time in three years. It was a total bomb, but I was proud of myself for getting out there. Plus I have a funny story.
16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Yea, gonna pass on that. Have no idea. Maybe something from Weezer.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Happier ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner. iii. richer or poorer? Based on money: poorer, life experience: richer, and I am all the more happier
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Reading
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Blowing my nose.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
It's over at this point, but The Kiddo and I spent the night at my parent's house so they could see him open up the presents Santa brought him.
22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
I fell in love with an English hot toddy. Which makes me sound like an alcoholic, but it was the only thing that calmed my cough. But with a real person--James Roday of Psych, Jim Parsons of The Big Bang Theory. Always been in love with David Boreanaz. So in the realms of being possible, yea. No.
23. How many one-night stands?
I'm not capable of that.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Bones
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yes
26. What was the best book you read?
How I Write ~ Stephen King
28. What did you want and get?
I wanted the courage to write and I got it (mostly).
30. What was your favorite film of this year? That sucks. I’m going to make up a new question: Where are your pants?
Not on me. All pants, except yoga, are bullshit.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 30, threw a party where I made authentic gyros with the best lamb meatballs. Lamb meatballs sounds redundant, but who wants to say they ate lamb balls?
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Drunk dialing a long time friend and him not laughing at me the next day.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Unique.
34. What kept you sane?
A large quantity of coffee and well-timed naps.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
See #22. Also, I really have a girl crush on Jen Lancaster. She's funny, out-spoken, and a former member of the rat race that became a writer after being fired. I'm trying to do that.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Don't get me started. My days of getting hot under the collar about politics were over after I left DC.
37. Who did you miss?
My sanity? Oh wait, the question was who, like a person. My Gonga.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
My many BandMates.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
I must absolutely do what I love, or else I'll run the risk of doing nothing at all.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Hide Yo Wife, Hide Yo Kids
If you care to follow suit and link back here, please do so after the beep:
Since I'm writing for Assocaitaed Content again, I'm hoping to expand my audience and gain more clients. Business has been slow and I'm trying to rally. I was assigned to write a short fictional piece, so I based my story on a fictionalized event from my Gonga's life. For instance, Big Momma was actually the name of my great-great-great Grandmother Orbie Johnson, and it was a steak knife, not an icepick.
Enjoy!
As I trod barefoot across the worn wooden floor, I bent down to pick up the discarded tissues that lay scattered. My friend Judy sat cross-legged on a worn couch, wrapped in a multi-colored afghan despite the sweltering mid-day Georgia heat. Half packed boxes filled with stacks of framed pictures awaited packing peanuts and bubble wrap. A bookshelf of dog-eared romance novels had been pushed aside to reveal a small hole in the wall. Curious but respectful of Judy's present anguish I squelched my desire to look inside.
"Judy, I'm so sorry Big Momma died. I know you've heard that so many times already, so I won't try to offer you any false comfort. Death stinks and right now is a rotten time, but I'm here to help you. We've got to get this place packed up and cleared out by the end of the week before the condo association changes the locks on your Grandma's place."
Sighing, Judy cast off the afghan and stood up. "Thanks for coming. I just can't motivate myself to finalize anything. I get a box half packed and then I find something of hers that makes me cry. I know once I seal these boxes shut, I have to admit that she's gone. I can't pretend that she's in the kitchen frying chicken."
"I know dear. Loosing my Grandma last year was difficult and I was fortunate to have the nursing staff handle all her affects. I wish you had that, but since you don't I'll do what I can to make this easier."
Determined to move Judy into action, I tossed a tissue at her. "Come on. Big Momma wouldn't want you crying. She'd be telling you to put on some makeup and go buy drinks for the cute guy at the bar. Here's a box."
For the next three hours we packed pictures, dusty figurines, and assorted knickknacks into stiff cardboard boxes. I would run the tape dispenser across the top while Judy looked away. We talked about friends we grew up with, gossiped about the local beauty queens affair with the town mayor, occasionally reminiscing about Big Momma. When we arrived at the bookshelf I couldn't contain my curiosity any longer.
"Judy, why on earth is there a hole in the wall behind the bookshelf?"
She began to laugh, the first time in days. "Big Momma hid an ice pick in there so the cops wouldn't find it."
If you want to find out why Big Momma hid an icepick in the wall, follow this link to read the remainder of the article.
My Gonga died last week. I've had so much to do and process these past two weeks. I am still processing it, but putting this slideshow together for her funeral service was comforting.
